I’m Scared of Lonely

Excuse my language but, I am a badass woman!

There’s quite a number of things I do on a daily, weekly and monthly basis and any sane person might think I’m mad but I’ve just discovered so many talents and passions within me that I think I wouldn’t be okay with my life if I didn’t take the time to discover them all.

So here I am, doing the most with my life. Living. Learning. Laughing… And yet I feel like I’m not Loving…

I don’t mean this regarding my own life. Oh no, I’m in love with the way I am cultivating a beautiful life for myself. I invest time and effort into loving myself and hugging all the parts of myself that need TLC. But I feel like there’s a large chunk of my life that I haven’t taken enough time to cultivate – loving someone else.

I came across this tweet that certainly struck a chord in me, and to be honest, that chord hasn’t settled back to what it used to be since. I’ve had to come to the sad, gripping truth that I am a badass woman who is scared of lonely.

For once, I actually verbalised a version of this feeling in me that stems from wanting someone I can depend on and who can take care of me. Being superwoman is a 24/7 job apparently; I didn’t get the memo, and as much as I want to take on the world in my heels and Nike’s, I actually want to have someone tell me that it’s okay to leave conquering the world for another day. I actually want someone to come home to. I actually want to be adored and loved and taken care of.

I actually want to stop being scared of lonely.

I shared my feelings in a tweet, and had no idea that there were so many other people who felt the same way. That we were all yearning to sometimes hang up our superwoman capes and just be taken care of…

Beyoncé was right when she sang:

“I’m scared of lonely
I try to be patient, but I’m hurting deep inside
And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night.”

I’ve been quite the independent woman for a while now, and there is something about it that I simply love. Being able to fend for myself, to get things down, and make my dreams come true on my own. Living in my own one-bedroom apartment and doing whatever a single, independent woman in Cape Town does. But I am the world’s biggest hopeless romantic, and as fun as movies like “How To Be Single” make singlehood look, man, I think I’ve had my fill and just want my partner now.

This could be a fleeting feeling that’s just for a period. This could be a deep yearning that I’ve had for a while and is finally making it’s way out (which, if I’m being honest, is the case). This could be something or nothing at all, but one thing I know for a fact is that I am lonely and genuinely wish someone could tell me that it’s okay to yearn for someone to call my own…

There’s a whole other thing about my relentless fear of Love that I won’t get into now, but I find myself crying so much at the thought that love is even a possibility for me. It sucks and I’m tired of feeling this way and being strong when there are days that I simply want someone to be strong for me.

This is a lot for a 25 year old to feel right? I mean, I have my whole life and future in front of me; a man can surely wait, right? Well, I know I’m in no rush to jump into a relationship at the next Don that looks my way, but I am well aware of the fact that I know certain desires are not placed in our hearts for nothing. There is a reason why I feel so strongly about hoping for love. Until then, I have no shame in admitting that I am a badass woman who is scared of lonely…

I don’t think there is anything to really take away from this particular post (I really just needed to get this off of my chest, and my laptop was closer than my journal), but I do hope that if you are reading this and you have made it this far, you’ll know that it is entirely okay to admit that you are lonely too, that you crave love and affection just as much as I do. We can only be strong for so long before we realise just how beneficial it can be to have someone to rely on.

I hope you and I both experience the day this happens…

Love & Light,